I am so

broke.

a list of random things

1. I am not going to date anyone because I just don't feel like carrying on a new conversation.
2. I am not going to make art that resembles anything pertaining to anything
3. I want money
4. I'm excited to see my mandy soon
5. I feel good about the decisions that I have made recently.
6. My life is moving into a better place.
7. I still think about paul all the time
8. I still think I am going to see paul soon
9. I still think about josh everyday
10. I need to stop thinking so much
11. Does anyone else see things like I do
12. I feel completely lost, and that doesn't scare me anymore.
13. I am going to tell you what I think.
14. I am only going to tell you what I think is important that you know.
15. I am treating everyday like it is my last.
16. Life is too short, so why am I worrying so much?

have some

Stop asking me if I am doing okay. When you ask me.. it makes me think of all the reasons why I am not doing okay. Here. I will list them for you..

1. I have no money
2. No one seems to need my services in Boston
3. I can't even buy proper art supplies anymore
4. The boy I love, and that loves me can't figure out what the hell to do
5. He wants me to come home
6. I've never wanted to be with anyone so badly in my life
7. I hate my apartment and the Latvians
8. I am freezing my ass off
9. If I could get out of my lease easily I would leave in 2 seconds
10. Yes, I do want to go home for a boy... but I also want to go home because I have a job there and I don't have to stress about where my food is going to come from
11. Did I mention my school costs entirely too much for the amount of 'learning' I am doing
12. I'm emo, and I over analyze everything
13. No one I am going to meet here is going to sweep me off my feet
14. Maybe my old punk rock attitude has gotten the best of me
15. Again, no money = no booze.... and I love my booze
16. I want to just be me
17. Being successful isn't automatically going to make me happy
18. All I want is to be happy
19. My friend is dead
20. When I am alone for long periods of time I think about how we could all die tomorrow
21. I miss my life being somewhat stable
22. I miss being okay, and comfortable
23. I miss sitting on the couch and watching tv sometimes
24. I just miss him

don't make me go

I am leaving my apartment in 4 hours to go 'home.' I'm sorry Cincinnati, but I've grown fond of my life here... despite the fact that I am poor... it suits me more. Ohio brings me down. Which is actually a good thing.. I can probably get some rockin source material. So prepare yourself Ohio.. if you thought I was crazy before.. you haven't seen nothin.

alarm alarm alarm

I woke up today without the aid of an alarm clock. The simple pleasures in life. I also have done nothing. Except think about the fact that
a. tomorrow I will be 26
b. I have more debt than anyone I know
c. I have no career
d. I don't like my art anymore
e. I wish I could stop dwelling

Oh well. At least tomorrow I get to go out, eat good food and drink fancy drinks with good friends. That is really what it is all about.
Happy is only something we realize after the fact.

yays

oh the things I had forgotten

haha

I found this of me and noah

and this picture of me and rob!

i found this picture of dana and it made me laff

and......... i cut my hairs!

goals

So I have decided that I want to pursue something else I love. I am applying to go to Kent State for a Master's in Library and Information Sciences. I figure that I am just so tired of all the art bullshit.. that it is kind of ruining art all together for me... I don't even feel like painting these days... and I always feel like painting... And I do want to do something more rewarding than fight with other artists to be recognized. This way... I can work with a university or museum and do research/teach/inform people about art and how to gain more information, and I can still be an artist and show my work. Maybe I am just too old for all the politics of the art world, or too smart for it. Sometimes I feel like the most idiotic people can bullshit their way to anything... while the smartest people sit back and think about things more... I feel good about this... I feel like I am starting to make sense of what a life for me could be... and stop worrying about what it isn't.

I love books and literature and art... and many people don't know how much I love libraries.. even the old book smell. So. Here goes. Wish me luck. And I think I am finding what I have been looking for.